


So Loving You (I Wanna Do)

by kkslover9



Category: Football RPF, Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Homophobic microaggressions, Japanese Women's National Team, Nadeshiko Japan, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-03 19:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6623782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkslover9/pseuds/kkslover9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aya is an OL at an interior design company. Yuki is an amateur footballer. And a lesbian. Aya is totally ok with that even though she’s straight. She is, right? This is a story of self-discovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Loving You (I Wanna Do)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brampersandon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brampersandon/gifts).



> Thank you to Jackdaws for beta-ing this so wonderfully.
> 
>  
> 
>   
>  [FANMIX](http://www24.zippyshare.com/v/HD0VkCaV/file.html)   
>  [I Wanna Do (So Loving You)](http://www24.zippyshare.com/v/HD0VkCaV/file.html)   
>  [](http://www24.zippyshare.com/v/HD0VkCaV/file.html)   
>    
> 

Aya remembered that the sun was warm. The ice cream slowly turned into a puddle on the hot pavement. They stared at each other for a moment. Aya removed the hand that was covering her mouth and bent into a deep bow, practically shouting an apology at the girl in front of her. The girl smiled when she straightened.

“It’s all right. It’s only ice cream. I’m glad I didn’t hurt you,” she said.

Aya shook her head, looking down at the pretty orange bowl lying face down between them. The vanilla and chocolate melted together, running down the pavement among the sprinkles. She felt awful for ruining such a beautiful sundae.

“No. I’m really, really sorry. You hadn’t even eaten most of it,” Aya said, sounding more dejected with every word.

The girl laughed softly. “If you feel so badly, you can buy me another one.”

Aya’s eyes widened at the unexpected request. It was only fair, but she hesitated, glancing automatically at her wristwatch. It was already late and she had promised that she would pick up her best friend Hina’s son from school, since Hina had an appointment.

“If you’re busy, you can treat me later,” the girl said. “Gimme your number and I’ll contact you so we can work something out.”

It felt strange, but she didn’t have much time left, so she agreed. They hurriedly exchanged numbers.

“I’m Yuki, by the way,” the girl said. “Nice to meet you.”

Aya gave her a little smile. “I’m Aya. I’ll get in touch soon,” she said, before waving quickly and jogging off to the station.

 

Hina laughed at her when she related her misfortune after dropping Hina’s son off. Yusuke, Hina’s husband, had taken their son into the next room to start on his homework, leaving them to talk. 

“Don’t laugh,” Aya said. “I felt so bad.”

“But it’s so like you, giving a stranger your number even after spilling her ice cream.” Hina had tears in her eyes from laughing.

“I have work tomorrow and Friday, but maybe I can repay her on Saturday.”

Hina shrugged. “I don’t think she expects you to repay her, Aya.”

“Isn’t that all the more reason to do it?” Aya clenched her fists, wearing a determined face. “I can’t show her that I’m as inconsiderate as the rest of the world, going back on promises.”

Hina smiled at her and nodded. “Yes, Aya.” She knew her friend wouldn’t do anything else after she had her mind made up so decidedly.

“I will,” Aya said. She had no idea what she would say, but she would call her and offer to buy back the ice cream on Saturday.

Aya’s job as an OL was mainly uneventful. She worked at a design firm and helped the designers plan appointments, making sure that they didn’t have to be worried by any trivial occurrences, like the stock room or sorting through client requests.

She dialled Yuki’s number at lunch time. She usually ate with the other OL’s on her floor, but today she took herself to the quiet roof with her phone to her ear. It probably wasn’t the best time to call anyone, but she tried anyway. In the worst case, Yuki would see that she called and return the gesture later.

“Hello?” Yuki’s voice came on the line, accompanied by a lot of background noise. There were girls screaming in the background.

“Ah, this is Aya. I spilled your sundae yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Yuki said, voice brightening. “I remember you. How’s it going?”

“I wondered if you were busy on Saturday. If not, I could buy you that sundae.”

Yuki was quiet for a bit, though the noise continued in the background. “Sure, but I have a football game at two, so if it could be after that. Or, I know! You could just come.”

A football game? Aya didn’t know any girl football players personally, and although she had dated a boy on her high school football team, she barely knew anything about the game. She said as much, but Yuki laughed. 

“You don’t have to know about the game,” Yuki said. “Just come, and I promise I’ll let you buy me the sundae.”

“Well, all right.” Aya found herself agreeing with Yuki’s excited tone.

After getting the details of the time once more, and the location of the game, they hung up. She stared at her phone, trying to figure out what had just happened. 

“Sameshima?”

She turned around at the sound of the voice. It was Tanaka who worked on the floor above her. He was one of the designers, and very good judging by the amount of personal requests for him that came into the company. They had started their jobs at the same time and were somehow friendly. More than one of her OL mates had asked her to introduce them, because Tanaka was handsome and eligible, unlike a lot of the designers at their company.

“Oh, Tanaka-san!” She smiled. 

“Are you all right? Usually you’re eating lunch right now, not standing on the roof making faces at your phone.”

She blushed at his teasing. “I had to make a phone call,” she said. “I spilled a girl’s sundae yesterday and told her I’d buy it back, but now she’s invited me to her football game, and I don’t know anything about football.”

Tanaka blinked at her admission and laughed. “That sounds exactly like you. I don’t know anyone else who could get roped into something like that.”

Aya made an annoyed sound. “My best friend Hina said the same thing. Am I gullible or something?” She screwed her face as if to think, and he laughed again.

“I don’t think gullible as much as kind-hearted,” Tanaka said smiling sweetly. 

Aya giggled a bit. “Thank you for the praise, Tanaka-san.” She glanced at her phone once more. It was almost time for her to return to her desk. She said her goodbyes to one of the company’s top designers and left.

 

Hina had laughed at her again over the phone. Aya chewed her lip with worry as she stood on the train heading to the football game. She had seen Tanaka-san the next day, and he had jokingly offered to accompany her. She had turned him down; she was perfectly capable of dealing with her own messes and she would never want to put Tanaka-san out of his way, but now she was wondering about the wisdom of that decision. At least accompanied, she would have had some moral support.

She arrived to the football field nervous, fingering at the sides of her sundress. Did people even wear dresses to football games? She didn’t want to stand out like a sore thumb, but it was a bit late for those kinds of worries, considering her wardrobe stood in her apartment an hour and a half away. There were girls and guys in the stands. She didn’t see Yuki anywhere, but she headed over to the bleachers anyway, sitting on the second bench and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Of course, she was the only one in a dress. She groaned internally. 

“I’ve never seen you here before,” a girl next to her said.

Aya looked over at the girl who was wearing jeans and a simple tee-shirt. “Well, I’ve never been here before.”

“Oh! We don’t get new people too often. I think everyone’s stopped inviting people to the games in case they break up.” She leaned in and lowered are voice. “We’ve had a few girls come around causing trouble while they’re heartbroken. You know how we can get.” 

Aya nodded as though she understood.

“So who are you here for?”

She struggled for a minute when she realized she didn’t know Yuki’s last name. “Um, Yuki-san invited me.”

The girl’s eyes widened and she grinned. “Wow! Nagasato-san told everyone she had met a really cute girl recently, but we didn’t imagine her girlfriend to be so cute, coming here in a dress and everything. Careful the girls don’t maul you.”

The girl was laughing. Aya tried to laugh, but she was still reeling from what she had just heard. Girlfriend? The game hadn’t even started yet, and she had some girl thinking that she was Yuki’s girlfriend. Girlfriend. Yuki was a lesbian! She didn’t have any problems with that. Not really, but it was just unexpected. What had she gotten herself into?

“I’m Maeda Haru,” the girl said. “I’ve been dating Asuna for years now, so I’ve always been at these games.”

“Sameshima Aya.” Aya bowed as was appropriate, but her mouth was still dry, trying to process the conversation and wondering how to correct this misunderstanding.

“They’re coming out!” Maeda said excitedly next to her. “Let’s cheer.”

Maeda called to them loudly to do their best. Aya clapped. Yuki noticed her in the stands and waved. Aya’s face flushed.

“You’re so cute, Sameshima-san. She just waved and you’re already blushing.” Maeda laughed next to her and Aya sank into her seat. 

The game was intense. Aya didn’t know much, but she understood from Maeda that they were playing a way better opponent, and she knew it was Yuki’s job to score goals. Even with the misunderstanding and what had happened before the game, she found herself cheering, especially for Yuki who was the only one she knew. 

In the end, they tied 1-1, but they had worked hard and celebrated as if they won. There were rudimentary showers at the grounds, so the girls always went back to get refreshed after a game. She had only nodded and expected to stay outside and wait for Yuki, but Maeda grabbed her hand and dragged her inside. 

Everyone was in various stages of undress on their way to the shower, except for Yuki, who had apparently showered incredibly fast and was now standing in front of them naked from the hips up. 

Yuki saw them and looked surprised. Aya blushed and turned away.

“I brought Nagasato-san’s girlfriend for everyone to meet!” 

Aya wished the ground would swallow her up. All the girls turned and exclaimed in surprise. The general consensus seemed to be that she was incredibly cute and shy.

“Guys, what the hell! Stop it.” 

The room quietened down and Yuki shouted. Aya looked up at that.

“She’s not my girlfriend. Don’t go making weird connections where there are none.” She gave Aya an apologetic look.

“What? But you said that you met a really cute girl recently!” Maeda said.

Everyone murmured in agreement.

Yuki glanced at her, cheeks red. She mumbled as she pulled her shirt over her head. “Yeah. I said that, but I didn’t say she was my girlfriend.” 

Then the room was in an uproar filled with “No way” and “How could you make a mistake like that, Maeda-san.”

Yuki rushed to Aya in the commotion and pulled her out of the room by the hand. They jogged for a bit until they were at the end of the field by the road. Yuki dropped her hand abruptly, blushing.

“I’m sorry about that,” she said, scratching the back of her neck and avoiding Aya’s gaze. “I didn’t think something ridiculous like that would happen.”

Aya was definitely still in a bit of shock, but she shook her head. “No problem.”

“But you’re ok with it? That I’m a lesbian?”

Aya nodded vigorously. “Yeah. I mean, I’m not, but yeah.”

“Well, I know you’re not,” Yuki said laughing.

“You don’t know. I could be,” Aya said, a bit offended that Yuki would write her off so easily.

“Are you?”

Aya blushed. “No. But I mean, I could be.”

Yuki laughed loudly. “Come on. Let’s go to the station. We’ll never have a peaceful time around here. I know a good place a few stops away.”

Aya nodded and followed as Yuki began to walk. 

 

Work the next week began in a bit of a daze. She couldn’t fathom how she had gotten herself into whatever Saturday had been. She had called Hina immediately after getting home, but all Hina had done was laugh again, and made her promise to tell her any hilarious updates involving Yuki.

She grumped about that in between being confused, and ate her lunch alone on the roof so she could try to clear her head. Why was it so easy to be Yuki’s friend? All of a sudden she was joking around about her sexuality? The door to the roof opened and Tanaka walked out.

“How did your football go?” 

She wasn’t about to tell him that it was a team of lesbians, and that she had been mistaken for a girlfriend of one of the players, so she just nodded enthusiastically. “It was really interesting. I was surprised, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe I can go to another game sometime.”

“Would you come to see an FC Tokyo game with me?”

Aya paused mid-chew and stared at him. His face grew red. He sighed and began to speak again.

“I’ve always liked you, Sameshima-san.”

Aya swallowed and then dropped her mouth open rudely.

“I just never knew how to tell you. You’re so nice and unlike the other girls in the departments, you don’t just talk to me because you’re trying to go out with me. You actually treat me like a friend. I know it’s probably a ridiculous idea of a date, but I love football and you went to that game recently and I thought that I would really like to share it with you.”

“Tanaka-san.” Aya looked around the roof frantically. “You shouldn’t tease me. Please!”

“I’m not teasing you. I really like you, Aya. Is all right if I call you that?”

She nodded, still unsure of what to say. It was obvious she should say yes. It wasn’t every day that the most eligible bachelor of the design department confessed love to you, but she was still absolutely speechless.

He smiled and waited for her, even though she probably took a century before she opened her mouth.

“Sure,” she said, because there was nothing else in her vocabulary at the moment.

He let out a relieved sigh. “It’s sudden, but there’s a game on Sunday, if you want to go.”

“Sure,” she said again. 

He didn’t seem to notice that her answer was the same. Heck, if he had proposed marriage to her right then she would have probably said “sure.” He placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. It was so awkward she would have cringed if she had been paying attention. She sat on the roof fifteen minutes after the end of lunch and scrambled down after catching herself, bowing and apologizing profusely to her boss. 

 

Yuki texted her on Friday to invite her to their next game. It was another Saturday game, so she went for some semblance of normality. How a team of lesbian footballers had become normal to her in a week, she wasn’t sure. 

Maeda was there again. She apologized for assuming what she had, but insisted that she and Yuki were cute together, before introducing her to one of the men in the stands. Not everyone on the team was a lesbian. Kumagai-san was apparently bisexual and this man was her fiancé. Aya was happy when the game started. They played differently this time, more aggressively. They actually seemed to have a chance to win. She cheered when Yuki scored, jumping up and down in the moment. 

Yuki met her outside of the locker room this time. Maeda went in but didn’t force Aya with her, so she lingered by the bleachers until Yuki ran up to her. 

“Thanks for coming,” Yuki said. “I was worried that we couldn’t be friends after last time.”

“I said it was fine.” 

Yuki ignored her. “Do you like okonomiyaki?”

Aya nodded and they were off. 

“It’s so good,” Aya said as they ate. She hadn’t had good okonomiyaki in a long time, so this was heaven in her mouth.”

“Good! I’m glad you’re paying attention to something.”

She held off on bringing her food to her mouth. “What?”

“You’ve been really spacey the whole time walking here. Are you good?”

Aya screwed up her face. Yuki waited for her to speak. 

“The most eligible bachelor in the design department asked me out. We’re supposed to be going to see FC Tokyo tomorrow.”

Yuki scoffed. “FC Tokyo. He doesn’t make good choices, but if he’s the most eligible bachelor then I guess he’s entitled to a flaw. What’s the problem then?”

“I don’t know.” Aya put her chopsticks down. “I just don’t know.”

“Not sure he’s right for you?”

Aya nodded in agreement.

“Not sure you wanna marry him and have kids with him?”

Aya nodded again and then caught what Yuki was saying. “No! I haven’t even gone on a date with him.”

“But isn’t that how you girls think? It’s marriage from day one, right?”

Aya shook her head violently. “No way. I just don’t get it. I mean, I haven’t dated anyone in three years. It’s not like I’m desirable of anything.”

Yuki laughed. “Trust me. You’re desirable.”

Yuki leered and she stuck out her tongue.

“Honestly,” Yuki said seriously, “you’re really pretty, and from what I’ve seen you’re kind. And you buy strangers sundaes when you knock theirs down. What’s not to like about that?”

“I’m not,” she protested.

“Definitely are.”

Yuki began eating again. Aya frowned and picked her chopsticks back up. Was she really cute enough for someone like Tanaka to actually like her? It seemed utterly ridiculous, but Yuki said so, and she was probably more qualified to pass judgement than any other female friend Aya ever had. Yuki grinned when she glanced at her and gestured for her to continue eating, which she slowly did. 

 

She met Tanaka at the stadium gate the next day. He insisted that she call him Tadanobu while they were on their date. She blushed hotly, but managed to call him by his first name. He bought her a hotdog and a large plastic cup of beer before the game. The stadium experience required it, according to him. She ate in small bites when he wasn’t looking, trying not to embarrass herself.

The game was different from Yuki’s small Saturday games. There were stands surrounding the field, and people filled them all. She stared at it in open shock. Tadanobu was energetic in supporting his team. He had a foam finger and his face was painted. During the game, he shouted at the team to do their best, and hurled insults at the opposing side. Aya giggled. It was fairly cute. 

FC Tokyo won in the end and Tadanobu hugged her in the excitement. She blushed, but he didn’t seem to notice. His eyes shone with happiness. Then he kissed her and realized that maybe he was a bit too excited. She brought her hand up to her lips in surprise, and he turned away, blushing and stumbling to apologize.

Aya giggled again. “It’s fine,” she said.

He looked at her in amazement. He licked his lips. “Can I do it again?”

She looked around. “There’s so many people.”

“Please?” He took her hand and squeezed it.

She gave in and nodded, tilting her head up to receive the kiss he placed on her lips. It wasn’t anything exciting. She hadn’t had an exciting kiss since high school, but he grinned at her and gripped her hand tightly, which was endearing enough that she didn’t mind too much. 

 

How the date went was the first question out of Yuki’s mouth the next time they met. It was during the week this time. A new bar opened that Yuki wanted to try. It wasn’t a lesbian bar, and Aya didn’t want to say that she was surprised, even though she was, which she knew was ridiculous.

She told Yuki about the date, and how Tadanobu was kind and cute in a childish way over football.

Yuki yawned dramatically. “Did you have sex with him?”

“What the hell?” She threw a napkin at Yuki’s face. “That’s—that’s not a question you just ask people. But no. We just went to a football game.”

“And his team won.”

“I let him kiss me.”

“Poor guy.”

“You’re so gross,” Aya said, wrinkling up her nose.

“I’m sure he was thinking about it,” Yuki said. “That’s all guys ever think about.”

“Who cares? Shut up. Can we talk about something more appropriate?”

Yuki laughed again. She was teasing her and enjoying it immensely. Aya stuck out her tongue in childish defence.

“You’ll keep dating then?” 

Aya considered. She hadn’t told him no. She had also had a pleasant time at the football, and he was nice.

“He was nice so why not?”

Yuki made a face. “He was nice? That’s all you have to say? And then you say you’re not looking for a husband.”

“Yuki,” she said, but the other woman went on.

“Nice is for when you’re gonna settle. He should make your blood boil and make you hot when he looks at you. You know, passionate stuff.”

“Well, he might be hiding passionate stuff inside.”

She earned herself a grin from Yuki.

“Maybe,” Yuki said, shrugging.

Aya sighed. She’d never had anyone make her blood boil, or make her hot with his looks, but it wasn’t that Tadanobu couldn’t. She had gone on one date. Did this even count as official dating? Curse Yuki for putting strange things into her mind. She shook her head as though that could get her thoughts out, and waved down the bartender.

 

A boyfriend and an interesting new friend all in the span on a few weeks; Hina was impressed and excited.

“Do you think you could marry him?” Hina asked.

Aya looked at her incredulously. Where did she meet these people? One date and they all wanted to know if there would be a ring. Aya sighed, but put up with her friends and their awful questions.

She still called Tadanobu Tanaka at the office, and he called her Sameshima. She had begged him not to say anything about them dating. She didn’t want her social life at work to go down the drain just yet. The idea of her taking Tadanobu off the market wouldn’t go down well with everyone, and that was ignoring the fact that work place romances were frowned upon. It wasn’t necessarily prohibited since they were technically in different departments, but it wasn’t something you did openly. He seemed to understand and respected her wishes, even though he smiled at her often and held her hand briefly when they found themselves in empty places together. 

It became something of a ritual to go to Yuki’s games. Yuki said she could bring Tadanobu if she wanted, but that felt sacrilegious somehow; like this time was somehow for her to cheer on her friend, and she couldn’t defile it by bringing someone else. They did end up meeting by accident though. She brought him to a barbecue restaurant Yuki had showed her, and they met her coming from it. Rather, Yuki saw them and accosted them.

“Is this your Tadanobu then?” Yuki asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

Aya sighed. “Tadanobu, this is my friend, Yuki. She’s the one who plays football.”

“Oh the girl whose sundae you knocked down.”

Aya blushed and groaned.

“Yup,” Yuki grinned. “And now we’re good friends. Isn’t it weird how the world works? But anyway, I have a date and she’s really cute, so I have to go.” Yuki gave Tadanobu a long discerning look before she left.

“She’s a lesbian?”

Aya stared at Tadanobu in confusion, until she remembered that Yuki said she had a date with a ‘she.’ 

“Ah, yeah,” Aya said. She was thinking mostly about the fact that Yuki had a date, but hadn’t told her. They didn’t tell each other everything, but they were practically good friends, weren’t they? And who was this really cute girl that she found? Aya frowned to herself, then looked at Tadanobu who had gone quiet.

Tadanobu looked after Yuki and then at her.

“You’re staring at me really strangely, Tadanobu.”

“But you’re not?”

“What?” Aya was genuinely confused now.

“A lesbian.” 

Aya rolled her eyes. “I’m dating you,” she reminded him.

He nodded, but didn’t seem convinced.

“She’s just a good friend.”

Tadanobu nodded again as though he were reading something into what she said.

She let out a sound of disgust. “You’re acting really stupid,” she said before walking off toward the station that they were headed to. 

“Hey!” Tadanobu ran after her. “I didn’t mean anything, it’s just weird that you’re friends with someone like that.”

Aya stopped to glare at him. “Someone like that? What’s wrong with someone like that? I could be bisexual or something. What difference would that make?”

Tadanobu blushed. “Aya, don’t talk so loud.”

“No. Don’t tell me how to talk,” she said, stalking off to catch her train.

Tadanobu followed her, apologizing, but she pointedly ignored him. He had made her so angry. It wasn’t as though she wouldn’t have made the same kind of statement Tadanobu had herself before she had met Yuki. And now here she was blowing up at her boyfriend and yelling embarrassing things about possibly being bisexual in public. Not that she was. She’d never really liked a girl before. Girls were pretty, and she could recognize that, but it didn’t mean that she was bisexual right? This was all Tadanobu’s fault. What the hell was she doing on the train questioning her sexuality? 

 

“You’re so nice,” Yuki said when she told her what had happened with Tadanobu. 

They were eating. It had been the last day of the season, and although Aya had offered to go celebrate with her teammates after the game, Yuki refused, saying that she looked forward to this time away from them. 

Aya stared openly at what she had to say after her story.

“I lied you know. There’s no cute girl.”

Aya gaped some more, though she felt something distinctly like relief at the same time. 

Yuki sighed. “I just wanted to see how he would react. Guys don’t generally like their girlfriends having super lesbian friends like me.”

“He doesn’t get to choose my friends.” Aya pouted.

“Obviously, but it doesn’t stop them from not liking it.”

“I’m not going to get rid of my friend just because some idiot doesn’t like her.”

Yuki laughed. “Whoa. If you keep acting so independent, the only people who are going to like you are people like me.”

“That wouldn’t be so bad,” she said.

Yuki looked like she wanted to laugh, but she closed her mouth in the next second and just muttered an ok. Aya asked what was wrong, but she said it was nothing and drank down her water. Aya stared at her strangely for the rest of the time. Were Yuki’s cheeks a bit red? She shook her head and chalked it up to her imagination. Yuki didn’t say anything else about Tadanobu, lesbians or anything related to them. 

 

Things went back to normal with Tadanobu fairly quickly. They both apologized: Tadanobu for insulting Yuki, and her for blowing up when there had been no reason to. She could understand how a guy might initially be a little worried at his new girlfriend becoming good friends with a lesbian, even though she thought he had nothing to worry about. 

Tadanobu tried to make football their activity, but Aya always spent time with Yuki and her team as they continued bonding activities every Saturday in their off-season. He had attempted to pressure her into stopping, but not even the argument that time with her boyfriend should take precedent swayed her mind. 

Hina had let out a long amazing “Oh” when Aya told her about that conversation. “The Aya from before definitely wasn’t that independent minded. You’ve changed so much so quickly. I like this sure-minded Aya,” she said.

Aya furrowed her forehead in confusion. She couldn’t see how she had changed. 

“When you had that boyfriend in college, you would always ditch girl’s night when you had a date,” Hina said.

“Really?” Aya said thinking back. Hina nodded and she supposed that was true. In college, she had been trying her best to be in love, and what better way than to spend time with the object of her affection. She hadn’t noticed she was blowing off her friends so much, but she had. 

Hina smiled when she saw that Aya finally remembered. “I think it’s a good change for you. That guy in college totally took advantage of you, thinking you would do whatever for him, whenever. You were always running to his place to make him dinner, because he had a late class or something.”

“I definitely won’t be doing that for Tadanobu,” Aya said matter-of-factly.

Hina grinned. “Not even if you get married.”

Aya choked, having been in the middle of taking a sip of wine. “I – we’ve only been dating a few weeks.”

“My marriage was basically arranged, who cares how long you date. You can get married to a good man.”

Aya had to concede the point. Yusuke, her husband, had been a younger co-worker of her father’s before they were married. Now he was a model husband, and Hina had seriously fallen for him. Yusuke seemed equally in love, and doted on Hina constantly. Their lovey-dovey relationship could be a bit hard to swallow sometimes, especially for a single person. She always congratulated her friend on such an auspicious marriage arrangement. Hina’s father had done well by her. 

But Tadanobu? Aya had thought about it. She could see that Tadanobu would make her and their children very comfortable, and he would probably make a very adorable and good father, but Aya could only see it objectively. She had tried wanting to marry him. He was the perfect catch, but she couldn’t bring herself to say yes when she imagined him proposing. It was nice to date him. He was kind to her, and it was pleasant when he hugged or kissed her. She chalked her proposal anxiety up to the hastiness of the idea. They had only been dating two months now. Marriage was definitely far away. It had nothing to do with the flashes of Yuki that would come to her mind during those trains of thought. Those flashes had to be connected to her desire to preserve that freedom that Yuki seemed to have. The independence that Hina said she now exhibited herself. 

 

Aya had imagined that her next visit to a hot spring would be with a boyfriend; would be with Tadanobu, but instead here she was in Yuki’s team van (actually Miyama, the serious team captain’s van) on a weekend trip to a ryokan. It was owned by a distant cousin of Tanaka, whom she had met recently, and had offered her a discounted rate if she wanted to bring her friends. Yuki had begged her, because they needed one more person to make six to afford the trip, and most of the team was busy. Aya couldn’t turn her friend down (which Yuki definitely knew even before asking) so there she was, on her way to Kyoto. Tadanobu had stammered in surprise when she told him, but there was nothing she could do, having given Yuki the deposit the same day. She apologized for being such a pushover, but Tadanobu just smiled and said he liked that side of her too. There weren’t any of the butterflies in her stomach that always happened in books when boyfriends said something so sweet, but she appreciated Tadanobu understanding the kind of person she was.

Everyone let out a simultaneous “Ah” when they arrived. With a discounted ryokan owned by a relative of one of them, no one was sure what to expect. They teased Tanaka as they drove, telling her that they would be really angry if it turned out to be a rundown piece of shit. Tanaka insisted that it was going to be really great and seemed genuinely worried, but Yuki’s occasional wink her way let Aya know that they were just enjoying stressing her out a bit. That being so, it was still a lot nicer than they had expected. Yuki and Aya paired off to share a room. They changed into their yukata, excited to try out the hot spring bath.

“Who would have thought it would have a big outdoor bath!” Yuki said, “Ah! Now I’m so excited. Damn, Tanaka’s related to some real classy folks.”

Aya laughed as she tied up her hair. She gaped a bit when Yuki turned around from finishing tying her obi. 

“You look so pretty, Yuki,” Aya said before she could hold her tongue. She blushed and stumbled to follow up her words. Yuki often wore her hair up, but left it down today with the yukata, and it had surprised Aya how different she looked.

Yuki looked surprised for a moment and then leered. “Are you falling for me, Aya-chan?”

Aya huffed and threw her shirt at Yuki, getting up quickly after. “Idiot.” Yuki was always making weird jokes that weren’t funny. She could hear Yuki laughing as she left the room without turning back. She headed straight to the bath, where Yuki hustled and caught up to her so they could go in together.

Apparently, they were able to have food brought to Tanaka’s room, so they convened in the evening after everyone had enjoyed the bath to drink and eat good food. And the food really was good. They all exclaimed over dishes, and made fun of the ridiculous looks of ecstasy they wore as they tasted something different. 

They drunk until late into the night. She and Yuki stumbled back to their room, second to last. Miyama insisted on sticking around until everyone had gone back to their rooms, so she was still with Tanaka and Iwabuchi, who had curled up and fallen asleep with her head on Miyama’s lap. Yuki laughed as they left, then caught herself and put her finger to her lips to signal that they should be quiet. Aya nodded and then shook her head as Yuki let out another barely muffled laugh.

Back in the room, Aya fetched them both water. Yuki downed her glass like she hadn’t drunk in days. She sighed contentedly after dropping down to sit on her futon. Aya drank her glass a bit more slowly; all the sake and beer had dehydrated her. Yuki’s eyes were closed when she looked over. Their futons were close enough that she could lean over slightly and tuck a stray lock of hair behind Yuki’s ear. The action felt so natural that it took her a moment to realize what she had done. They stared at each other. Yuki’s face was still surprised. Aya swallowed. She couldn’t look away for some reason. Yuki moved, and Aya froze and felt her heartbeat speed up. All she could do was stare as Yuki closed the distance between them and kissed her. 

Yuki’s lips were warm, hot even, and so were the hands she brought up to the sides of Aya’s face. Butterflies spread through Aya’s stomach as the kiss deepened and Yuki’s tongue searched out her own. Her mind was suddenly blank, her body very warm. The kiss was making her dizzy with a desire that she hadn’t felt in so many years. They tipped back and fell against the bed, breaking the kiss, but not for long. Yuki reconnected their lips with a swiftness, covering Aya’s body with her own. Aya’s brain was screaming something in between “what the fuck” and “holy fuck”, but whatever protests were contained in that sentiment were drowned out by the pleasure dispersing itself through her body. One of Yuki’s hands found the inside of her yukata; Aya moaned at the touch. But before that hand could go further, there was a knock at the door. It seemed to restore some sense to Yuki’s mind. Her eyes went wide as she jumped off of Aya, who must have been a sight with swollen lips and a half open yukata. 

The knock came again and Yuki stumbled off to answer it. Aya’s brain finally caught up to her body, and panic took over. She dove under the cover of her futon before the door slid open. It was Miyama. Yuki had forgotten her phone in Tanaka and Iwabuchi’s room. Yuki thanked her and slid the door closed. Aya ducked as far under the covers as she could. She listened as Yuki walked back to her futon and climbed in.

“Aya?” Yuki sounded apprehensive. 

Aya chewed her lip, wondering whether to answer, but decided against it. She wasn’t sure what to make of what had happened, and didn’t want to talk about it. It was too fresh in her mind still. Only moments ago she had been moaning as they kissed, as Yuki had started to undress her. She just ignored Yuki’s call. It wasn’t repeated. Everything went dark as Yuki turned off the light, and silent as she went to what Aya assumed was sleep. 

 

Aya didn’t get much sleep. She woke up groggy, and still slightly drunk after a few hours, but didn’t go back to sleep as she was determined to avoid Yuki for a while longer. She moved slowly through the room, trying to make herself as decent as possible before heading out. She met Miyama and Kinga exiting their room on their way to the bath. They just laughed when she told them that Yuki was still sleeping, and they invited her along with them, which she accepted. She glanced back to the door before she walked away. She could still remember the feel of Yuki’s lips and hands, especially focusing on the fact that she hadn’t hated it. It was still hard to admit that maybe she liked it a lot more than she thought she would. But there was Tadanobu back in Tokyo, and she wasn’t that type of girl. At least, she hadn’t wanted to think so. She remembered the thoughts of Yuki as she tried her best to think of Tadanobu as marriage material and she thought about how she had always thought that Yuki was pretty. She had just been doing her best to deny that she was attracted to her all this time.

“Are you ok?” Kinga said, breaking Aya’s train of thought.

Aya blinked and noticed that they had reached the entrance to the changing rooms, and that Kinga and Miyama were looking at her with some concern.

“I was just overthinking what I should do for my boyfriend to make up for abandoning him this weekend,” she said. It was the first thing that had come to mind.

Miyama grinned at her and Kinga laughed a bit. 

“I’m sure whatever you do, he’ll be happy to have such a thoughtful girlfriend,” Miyama said.

Aya tried her best to return their smiles genuinely. 

The bath was good but she couldn’t concentrate and relax in the water. She left Miyama and Kinga there, intending to dress and take a walk in the garden. It was a surprise to bump into Yuki as she walked into the hallway. They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, but Yuki then greeted her fairly normally. Aya was able to exhale the breath she had unknowingly held and return the greeting before they went their separate ways. 

They all had lunch together. The fresh air of Aya’s walk had only served to make her confusion greater. Her mind had asked her whether she maybe had feelings for her friend, but she refused to entertain the idea and shoved it as far down in her thoughts as possible. Now she focused on the food, since she had missed breakfast, and devoured as much as she could fit. Yuki and her spoke very little, and no one at the table mentioned it, though they all glanced between them every now and then.

 

When Aya returned, her often vacant expression was brought up by Tadanobu, and then Hina. She told them all she fought with Yuki on the trip, and refused to explain why when that question was asked. That got Tadanobu off her back fairly easily, but Hina was less willing to accept such a ridiculous excuse. 

“What do you mean you can’t tell me?” Hina said loudly.

Hina’s son and husband were visiting the paternal grandparents today, leaving Hina to relax at home for a girl’s night, which by now had devolved into Hina throwing a tantrum when Aya refused to tell her why she was fighting with Yuki.

“It’s . . . it’s not my place.”

“I’m your best friend. If you can’t tell me, then clearly you don’t think of me on the same level that I think of you.”

Aya groaned. Hina took being a best friend very seriously. In high school, Hina had made them promise to tell each other everything forever, ensuring that they would always have someone to turn to in each other’s time of need. It was wonderful when you were trying to decide whether to leave your boyfriend, but it wasn’t great when you were trying to avoid questioning your sexuality after your lesbian friend just kissed you. She honestly had no idea what Hina’s reaction would be. It wasn’t something they had ever seriously talked about. As far as she knew, Hina didn’t have any good gay friends. There was the guy that did her hair once a month, but Aya was pretty sure that was where the list ended. 

“What did she confess her love to you and now you’re sexually confused?”

Aya assumed it had to have been said as a wild accusation and meant to sound ridiculous, but Aya’s head still whipped up suddenly and her eyes went wide in shock. 

“Wh-what? N-no!”

It was Hina’s turn to look surprised and sit down very slowly. Aya cursed her own lack of emotional control.

They sat across from each other in silence before Hina broke the silence.

“If you’re a lesbian that’s ok,” Hina said softly.

“I’m not.”

“Bisexual then.”

“I’m—” Aya began but couldn’t finish. It was all she had thought about since returning from the trip, and she just couldn’t say she wasn’t anymore. At least not where Yuki was concerned. Would she enjoy kissing other women as well? She couldn’t say either way.

“Will you break up with your Tadanobu?” 

Aya looked into Hina’s face for the first time and saw that her friend was serious, but not hostile, just invested in Aya’s life as usual. Aya’s eyes watered a bit with thanks, even though she had doubted her friend’s goodness. Hina nodded, waiting for her to answer. 

Aya wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. “She didn’t confess. We just . . . kissed. It was a drunken thing. Nothing serious.”

“Do you want it to be something serious?”

Aya shrugged. “I don’t know. But I’m still dating Tadanobu for now.”

Hina nodded.

“Yeah.” Aya sighed in relief. It was good to talk about everything with Hina. She could feel the weight lifting off her shoulders just a bit. 

“Ok!” Hina slammed her hands onto the table causing Aya to jump in her seat. “It’s time for emotional stress ice cream,” Hina said, getting up and heading into the kitchen.

Aya took the moment to wipe her eyes once more, grateful for her friend’s understanding.

 

The next day was a date with Tadanobu. Even though there was a football match that day, he took her to the botanical garden. It was beautiful. Aya smiled, knowing that he was missing his team play for her. She tried her best to concentrate on him, but her mind drifted back to Yuki and how Hina had asked if she wanted something more. She walked with Tadanobu hand in hand down the paths, and marvelled at the sheer number of different plants and trees, admiring how they all came together in this one place. She could see that Tadanobu was interested as well. He took the time to read information about some of the different plants, and mentioned once or twice how he could use them as inspiration for his work. This kind of date would be so different with Yuki’s joking and happy-go-lucky personality, she imagined. She groaned as she caught herself thinking about Yuki again. 

“Are you all right?” Tadanobu looked at her with concern.

“I’m just a little tired. Sorry, Hina had me up a bit late talking last night.”

Tadanobu grinned and didn’t question her. He just led her to a bench that was off the path and more secluded than the rest. They sat quietly and admired the plants around them. They could hear other people along the main path, but they were hidden on another offshoot. 

After a few minutes, Tadanobu began wringing his hands.

“Is something wrong?” Just a moment ago he had been calm and now he was looking nervous. Aya eyed him warily.

Tadanobu sucked in a deep breath and turned toward her, pulling something out of his pocket. Alarm bells rang in Aya’s head even before she saw the little black box that he took out and held open for her. A ring. It was a ring. And this was now a proposal. Aya stared, mouth open sloppily and with what she was sure could clearly be seen as terror in her eyes. It was too early for this – it was what she had told herself just earlier in the week – but here he was proposing, seeming to think this was the right time. It was definitely a beautiful setting. Off the path at the botanical garden was romantic all right, but Aya was not prepared. Between trying to figure out herself and possible feelings for Yuki, where was she supposed to fit in a proposal? 

She began to speak, to remind him that they had only been dating a short time, but Tadanobu stopped her with a raise of his hand. He grasped her hand in his own and closed the box in her palm.

“You don’t have to answer right now,” he said, smiling softly. “I know it’s sudden, but I love you. I truly love you. But I don’t want a rushed answer. Please, take this and think about it. I want to marry you, Sameshima Aya.” He took a breath. “I want to start a family with you some day. Please do me the honour of considering my proposal.”

Aya nodded reflexively. How did one answer such a plea but with assent? She hadn’t agreed to marry him, only to think about it. She nodded once more and placed the box in her purse. 

Tadanobu grinned and let out a relieved sigh, as though he had been worried she wouldn’t take it at all.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, standing and holding out his hand to her.

“Yeah,” Aya said, finding her voice somehow. She let him pull her up and followed him as they left the park. But her attention was elsewhere on the many things she had to consider, and how much she would need another round of Hina’s emotional stress ice cream.

 

Aya ate lunch alone the next day, and the next. It seemed Tadanobu was giving her space to make her decision. She couldn’t bring herself to eat with her co-workers because she had to think. She’d already made enough mistakes in the past two days for a month, so she needed to get all the thinking she could done during lunch to avoid another tongue-lashing from her boss.

She was able to talk to Hina on the phone the night after the proposal, but her friend was unusually unhelpful, making strong cases for and against marrying Tadanobu. She’d expected a specific answer and was given the idea that she should make her own decision. 

Obviously marrying Tadanobu would be the stable choice. He was at a good place in his career and he would take care of her, which was the ideal for so many women. Their kids would grow up so happy, with two parents who would dote on them and love them. It made her ovaries tingle thinking about it. But then, it was marrying Tadanobu, who didn’t inspire the passion that was always buzzing in the back of her mind after Yuki. Yuki, Yuki, Yuki. Was she in love with Yuki? She wasn’t sure, but a part of her wanted to find out. She wanted to know if the butterflies from that kiss, and from the thought of that kiss, could turn into something lasting where her heart would beat fast for the rest of her life. Something she couldn’t imagine with Tadanobu. But if it failed, would she regret not choosing that lifestyle of secured familial comfort? 

Aya groaned and put the lid back on her still half-full lunch box, putting it away. She could barely eat. Her stomach constricted, not out of hunger, but out of nervousness. So many people would consider her stupid for even thinking about a decision like this. Her mother would definitely tell her to choose the stable man, the one whose situation could only get better, over the sales assistant who was an aspiring entrepreneur that might never make it. She laughed self-deprecatingly over the inevitably appalled reaction of having that discussion with her mother, especially if including the fact that Yuki was a woman. Luckily, that wasn’t something that would need to be dealt with at the moment, or possibly ever.

That night Hina visited her in a dream. She was getting married. She was in her pure white bridal kimono and headdress before the ceremony, but she was crying as everyone rushed around. Her mother was shouting at her to stop before she ruined her make up, but the tears kept coming. Hina seemed to be the only calm one. She kneeled down gracefully, folding her own beautiful kimono underneath her, and folding her sleeve in her lap. She wore a sober expression as she stared into Aya’s tear-stained face and told her, “If there are so many doubts in your mind, don’t you think it would be better not to go through with it?” 

The rest of the dream was hazy at best. Aya was reasonably sure that her mother screamed hysterically about the money spent on the wedding and the sinfulness of wasting it, but she couldn’t remember if she had been married; she couldn’t remember who she was even supposed to be marrying. Was it Tadanobu? Or was it someone else? Or perhaps it was no one in particular and her mind had just wanted to distress her. It certainly succeeded on the last front. She woke up, heart beating wildly at 3:30 in the morning, unable to return to sleep. It did give her some time to think about the words of the overly serious Hina of her dream. Her mind told her logically that Tadanobu was the right choice. She had never been exceptionally impulsive or adventurous enough to follow her dreams, as though they might lead to her ruin, but she had so many doubts about her ability to truly be happy with that decision. 

Her breathing slowed as she came to her decision. Maybe she would regret it in the future, but she would regret not following her heart just this once even more. And she found that her heart fought back very little against her choice. Somehow it would be the right one whether it turned out the way she wanted to or not.

Aya texted Tadanobu after work the next evening, and they agreed to meet at his apartment. She steeled herself in the elevator heading up to his floor, clutching the ring box in her hand. Even though she had made her decision, it was still so nerve-wracking to be going through with it. 

Tadanobu was also clearly nervous when he opened the door. There was no welcoming hug and his greeting was a bit curt and shaky. She entered the apartment but didn’t go much further than the door. He offered her some water but she shook her head. He could probably tell what was going to happen. She gulped and clutched the box a bit tighter. Practicing in her mind had done nothing to prepare her for this. 

“Tanaka-san.” She blinked for an extended period of time. The significance of her choice of name couldn’t be lost of either of them. She bowed low, offering the ring box. “I’m so sorry but I cannot accept your proposal.”

“Aya,” he said pleadingly.

She kept her head bowed. “I’m so sorry. I really am. But I’m in love with someone else.”

There was silence, and then the box was removed from her hands. Finally, she dared to look up.

Tanaka gave her a wry smile. “I can’t say I’m not upset. Ah, maybe I’m even angry.”

Aya nodded. It was understandable. 

“But I understand.” He laughed a bit self-deprecatingly, shoulders hung. “’Let’s stay friends’ is what I want to say, but I don’t know if I can. I’m pathetic.”

“Tanaka-san—”

He shook his head. “It’s all right. I understand, Sameshima-san.” He smiled gently and sadly. “Just don’t come running to me when she breaks your heart, you hear?”

Aya laughed, tears beginning to drip down her face. She felt awful for hurting that kind man, but also light and as untroubled as she had been in many days. 

 

The journey home allowed Aya to think over what had happened. She realized she was actually happy to have been able to go through with the rejection. As embarrassing as it was, her conviction that it would have resulted in her general unhappiness was certain now. As wonderful as Tanaka Tadanobu was, he was not the right person for her. She genuinely hoped he found a woman whose heart would respond to his in kind. She smiled to herself.

Her mind naturally drifted to Yuki after a while. That was the next obstacle she would have to overcome, and she had no idea how to go about it. There was simply going to see Yuki and confessing, but the thought of it seemed so embarrassing. What would she say? She had never worked up the nerve to confess to anyone before. It was such a brave thing to do and in that regard, she was a huge coward. 

Her best bet was to seek Hina’s advice. Hina would be ecstatic to help her with plans of confession since she had never had the opportunity before. Aya laughed to herself, but it was cut short as she approached her small apartment. Fidgeting in front of the door was obstacle number two: Nagasato Yuki.

Aya was able to gape for a few seconds before Yuki noticed her. They stared at each other. Aya was the first to make a move, walking up to Yuki. 

“Can we talk?” Yuki tapped nervously at her phone with her thumb.

Aya nodded, taking out her keys and opening the door. “You should come inside.” It sounded surprisingly calm in her ears, considering her mind and heart seemed to be in an F1 race. Why was Yuki here all of a sudden? Did she want to apologize? Surely, she could have texted first.

“Do you want something to drink?” She was about to head to the tiny kitchen, but Yuki’s shake of the head made her stay. They remained near the door. Perhaps Yuki wanted a quick escape route for whatever she had come to say. Maybe she wanted to clear the air and make sure Aya knew that she didn’t want anything to do with her. Aya’s stomach clenched.

“I got a message from your friend, Hina-san. She said that Tadanobu had proposed.” Yuki paused, her face pinking slightly. “I just—I was here before I knew what I was really doing. Are you going to marry him?” She looked at Aya with her eyes wide and scared.

Aya shook her head. “I’m returning now from turning him down.”

“Oh.”

They stood in silence for a few seconds. Yuki’s eyes wandered a bit to the space around them, as though she wanted to look at anything but Aya’s face.

“I told him that I’m in love with someone else.” Now Aya was sure her face was turning as red as a beet.

Yuki smiled sadly. “Oh. Then I probably don’t have any right to be here.” She laughed at Aya’s confused face. “You see, I came here to tell you not to marry him because—” Yuki paused and Aya’s breath caught in her throat, “—I love you. I’m sorry. I know me saying this is probably just a burden, but when I heard that you might marry him, I just couldn’t let you. Not, at least, without letting you know how I feel.”

It was as though Aya’s heart had grown wings and now soared within her chest. Yuki was in love with her. She repeated that fact over and over in her mind, a smile forming on her face. She stepped forward and grasped Yuki’s hands in her own, staring into the other woman’s shocked eyes. 

“Yuki. I told Tadanobu—Tanaka-san that I couldn’t marry him because I’m in love with someone else and the person I’m in love with is you.”

Yuki gripped her hands back tightly, as though Aya would disappear in a wisp of smoke if she held on with any less force. 

And this second kiss mirrored the fire inside her. A fire she could now put a name to as the flames of young love.


End file.
